Even Introverts Get Lonely

Most introverts actually like other people. They have social skills and can hold a conversation. Being an introvert doesn't mean you are happy to be a Lonely Only.

The introversion/extroversion classification may be the most misunderstood concept in psychology. If not the first, it is definitely in the Top 10.

I remember arguing with my (extrovert engineer) husband about my introverted nature. He was, and still is, dubious about my claims to be an introvert. Yes, he will admit I tend to sneak off for hours to do solo tasks in silence (pull weeds, organize my closet, wander thrift stores, repot plants), and I emerge cheerful. But because I have never struggled with social anxiety and I can hold my own at a cocktail party or social mixer of pretty much any kind, I am often mistaken for an extrovert. Many believe that being introverted is synonymous with being socially awkward.

Not true.

Being an introvert, or extrovert for that matter, is more about how you respond after periods of either social stimulation or social isolation. After a few hours of heavy social interaction or a day spent with other people, the introvert needs a little time alone to recharge. The introvert says “It was great to see you again, take care” and the extrovert says “Wait, are you going already?”. At the end of a social event, it is the extrovert who wants to continue the gathering long past the appointed end. The introvert needs some time to hear herself think. Both individuals may have had a wonderful time. This is not to say that one enjoyed being together any more than the other.

Another difference lies in that the extrovert tends to seek out people, while the introvert may not even think about it. And here is where the introvert can get into trouble. We (and I am including myself in this), can create for ourselves situations where loneliness festers. Because we don’t think to reach out and invite a friend to coffee, we simply never go. It isn’t that we would like to have coffee with a friend, it just doesn’t come to mind as we are setting about how we will spend any discretionary time.

I was recently asked what I would do if I had a few hours to myself (and no deadlines or work to complete). Obviously, the answer was I would write, but if I couldn’t do that, there are probably 10 other solo tasks I would love to do. Jigsaw puzzles, pruning the trees, reading a book, taking a walk, taking a nap, and doing a holy hour all make the list.

Calling a friend or loved one, going someplace socially, spending time with someone else sadly (and I say that seriously because it could be offensive) didn’t make the list. When asked, yes I would love to meet up for a glass of wine or cup of coffee, but it isn’t part of my nature to think of that first (or second or third apparently!).

And so, it gets lonely.

As much as the introvert enjoys time alone, we are all social creatures made for union and communion with others. Understanding this about ourselves and our loved ones is so important. We live in a society of increasing loneliness and it can not be cured by the swipe or the scroll. Face-to-face interaction, looking another person in the eyes, is everything.

So if you are an introvert, think about this for a while. Then strive to reach out to a loved one, once a week if you can, and do something socially. Join a club or organization that has regular meetings and commit to attending, leaving yourself some time in the schedule to recharge alone as needed of course. Find ways to engage with others routinely so that you don’t have to think about it spontaneously.

If you are an extrovert, keep asking the introverts in your life to meet up with you. Get them out of their homes or their rooms or their offices for short clips of time, and don’t be offended when they say “It was great to see you again, take care”. Because they mean it in the nicest possible way. They did enjoy their time with you. And maybe next time, if they read this essay, they may just reach out to you.