It's Not Just a Stage
Your child in on the way to becoming a brat.
In my Parenting Smarts Podcast interview with Jenna Guizar (drops tomorrow) on the topic of humility, the subject of correcting our children came up. All parents MUST develop the ability to correct their kids, help them see their areas of growth, and support the development of their natural gifts. So as we were talking on this subject, I mentioned an old blog post that was one of my favorites. I promised the listeners I would send the post out via Substack the week the episode airs, so here it is in the newest version. Enjoy!
It Is Not Just a Stage: Your child is on the way to becoming a brat.
Why do people say "it is just a stage" to excuse compulsively bad behavior? It is not just a stage. If you don't help your child stop acting like a brat —guess what?
That is exactly what he is going to grow up to be.
Sure kids are going to be harder or easier at different times in their life, but that doesn't mean it is okay to accept unacceptable behavior from them. You are the adult. They are the child. Teach them. Fix the situation. Because if you don't do it now, when and how do you plan to fix it?
How bad are you willing to let it get?
We are all created in God's beautiful image with the capacity to love and the desire to be loved. I do not share John Loche's assessment that kids are born Tabula Rasa (blank slate). As a consequence of original sin, we are born with concupiscence, or the internal drive toward sin. This drive needs to be recognized and mastered in order for virtues to take hold. Janet Smith and others much more schooled in the subject of virtue, sin, and concupiscence discuss the interplay between these elements elsewhere so I can focus on the parenting piece here.
So focusing on the parenting aspect, I ask you
What is your end 'goal' with your child?
You need to adjust your parenting in response to their needs. When your child is repeatedly acting inappropriately, that is a sign that YOU need to adjust. Your child is with you for just 18 years and then he is off 'on his own' in the world. Sure you will be there as a model and mentor his whole life, but your relationship with him in these first 18 years will determine the degree of closeness you share. Letting him run amuck for a few weeks turns into a few months and before long your sweet child is not so sweet anymore.
It can be tempting to say "It is just a stage”, “ I hope he grows out of this" or “It is just because he is tired/hungry/upset”. None of those approaches to the situation moves you toward solving the problem. You need to get the behavior to stop, not make excuses for it.
It is good to explore the WHY for the attitude, but only so that you can find solutions that will last, rather than case-specific solutions. For instance, when a child lashes out in a disproportionate emotional response, you certainly should find out what promoted the explosion. You also, however, need to teach the child how to deal with frustration or anger appropriately.
Some things to ponder…
When is your child most difficult? What time of day or types of circumstances?
How do you react when they act out? Do you respond with equal or increased drama only to find yourself in the crazy corner (to borrow a term from Susie Garlick)? Do you simply ignore it and pray the problem goes away?
Have you seen any improvement or reduction in the bad behaviors?
What is working?
Where are your resources? Who else can help you better understand the situation and provide a different perspective?
For more on parenting check out www.maryruthhackett.com or subscribe to the Parenting Smarts Podcast wherever you get your podcasts.
Thanks for being with me on this parenting journey!