Some Thoughts on Belonging
Let's start with - Don't Hide
Finding a Sense of Belonging at Costco
I glanced over my shoulder while walking through Costco today. My mother was trailing behind. Since she stopped driving about a year ago, she has missed being able to just window shop. I was giving her space, as she loves to look at everything, whereas I tend to quickly scan the shelves only for what I really need (Come Holy Spirit, deliver me from temptation), and try to power-walk to the next item without adding something extra to the cart.
Turning the corner I paused, because she had stopped to talk to a strikingly tall, elegant, beautiful woman about my age. The woman looked a bit like an older version of my sister’s best friend from junior high, now almost 40 years past. Moving on, I wondered if I should double back, but the ticking of the mental clock made me press on. Three more items on the list and I might just get to the doctor’s appointment on time.
Checking the last few items off the list, I doubled back to look for Mom, finding her sauntering up the aisle with a Cheshire Cat-style grin. My question “Who was that?” was met with an outpouring of joy. It was, in fact, my sister’s friend from junior high, who we had not seen since the early ’90s. She had recognized my mother, called her by name, and wanted to know all about the family. My mom was flattered by the recognition—“I have changed so much in 40 years, I am shocked she recognized me!”—and deeply honored by the desire of this woman to reconnect.
As we walked to the front of the store, we again met the old friend at the checkout, and I was able to catch up with her as well. As I piled my cache on the conveyor, we chatted about our children (of course), the state of mental health for kids today (she is a mom and nurse practitioner), and our shared desire for more proactive parenting. It was unexpectedly refreshing and up lifting.
I say unexpected because, you see, I am the type of person who is more likely to duck and hide if she sees someone she knows. But this exchange—the difference it made to my mom, and to my own attitude—motivates me to do differently next time.
I typically look straight ahead or frantically glance from item to item as I race through the store as though I were trying to set a new PR for the grocery trip. I try to always connect with the cashier as I make small talk, eye contact, and smile, but what about the dozens of people I pass along the way?
I am embarrassed to admit that just the day before, I had seen the husband of a former school mom. The mom and I had volunteered together for countless hours. And although I did not personally know her husband, I should have stopped and said hello. I should have noticed him, called him by name, and asked about the family. It would have taken just a moment and that moment is now lost.
Springtide Research found a few years ago that belongingness is built on three things: being noticed, named, and known. My sister’s childhood friend met all of those points when she recognized my mom, called her by name, and asked her about the important people in her life. I did not do the same, just the day before.
Let’s try to notice the people around us, call them by name, and ask them about their lives. And if you ever see me around, stop and say hi and introduce yourself. Don’t let me hide. We make the world a better place one interaction at a time. It starts with us.
🎙️3 Things From the Podcast
This weeks episode of Parenting Smarts Podcast includes a conversation with Jennifer Ellis on belongingness and building community. In it, Jenn and I talk about her pursuit and really accomplishment in building authentic community. We talk about some of the struggles but mostly she shares some of the lessons she has learned. I was really inspired to work a little harder and seek to foster community with greater intentionality.
📖 One Scripture
“Now you are Christ's body, and individually parts of it.” (1 Corinthians 12: 27)
✍🏼 One Quote
“To find meaning, we start seeking belonging among other people.”
— Julia Hotz
🧠 One thing ponder
We are drawn to community with people who find meaning in the things we do and in our ways of living. But often we confuse meaning with purpose. Meaning is past and present oriented while purpose if future oriented. Are you seeking deeper meaning and connection in life, or a greater sense of purpose? If it is purpose you are seeking, check out my book Daughter by Design and discover your identity as God’s beloved daughter! If you are seeking meaning, find people who make sense of the world in the same way and reach out to them.
⌛️ What I didn’t have time to discuss…
Not all relationship are the same.
We need a variety of different types of relationships. Friends are important, but so too are mentors, teammates, co-workers and acquaintances. Not everyone in your life has to fit the best friend category.
Quality matters, one or two high quality relationships is better than a handful of friends where the relationships are negative. Recently, I had a conversation with one of my adult children and he mentioned that there were times when I tried to encourage some really unhealthy friendships. At one point he tried to distance himself from someone who was making really poor choices, but I kept nagging him to get together in person. If your child is struggling with friendships, maybe dig deeper rather than pushing harder.
For more on building community for you and your kids, listen to the full episode [HERE]. Thanks for being with me in this community where we learn and grow together ❤️. And remember to say Hi next time you run into someone unexpected!